Change? What Change?

The Short Commerce Story

2006-07-22T23:33:00.000+10:00

Somehow it's boring to see my posts in the same pattern everytime so I decided to take a change. This is what happened in my previous semester. Four courses starting at the end of February and ending on July (because of unforeseen circumstances, as written in "Domino").

Marketing Management and Implementation, a somewhat basic course judging from its course code. It is divided into afternoon and evening classes (full time and part time students respectively) and the majority of the takers are advertising students (maybe it's a core course). The lecturer is somewhat weird but the lectures are interesting. It mostly revolves around market positioning, the topic of the course assignment. Basically, students need to form groups of approximately 5 people and research on their clothing boutique of choice. There are also several class activities (marked) and a final exam. The only course where I buy the prescribed textbook. Considering selling it. Final grade: Credit (in the scale of High Distinction, Distinction, Credit, Pass, and Fail).

Managing People, a class that requires its students to be proactive (something that I lack) and the most paper-consuming out of all four courses (if someone said that the paper used by all the students from this course equals one rainforest, I can believe it). No exam here, which is a relief. Assignments are divided into three parts: Group assignment (research on a corporation from a management point of view) which is again divided into three parts. Interestingly, everyone from my group has different nationalities (besides me, others are Australian, Vietnamese, Korean, and Colombian) and it's interesting to see that despite that, we can perform well as a group. Two others are individual assignments. One case study which needs so many journal articles researched and was the major cause of my breakdown in mid to late May, miraculously done in less than 24 hours and resulting in a 3,831 words worth of report (including a 14-hour mad session of almost nonstop typing). The third assignment (if you can call that one) is a review of the course in general. It ended up as a rant to preserve the rainforests though. I thought that a pass might be enough. Final grade: Distinction (I am also surprised).

Business and Government in a Global Context, the core course of Masters of Commerce. I took a seminar style instead of the normal class-based teaching style. Eight hours each seminar on Saturdays (thankfully not every Saturday, it's five Saturdays to be precise, spans for a semester). Here I got possibly the best team out of all my commerce courses. It's also interesting that my research topic is Freeport McMoRan (one idea I gave to the team, and they are actually surprised by how awful that company is. Finally Indonesia helped me in my studies, heh). Final exam is insane, but I was lucky. Final grade: Credit.

Internet Industry Project? Again, it's in the Domino post, although with a certain little spice of drama.

Well, that's it actually. Now I'm going to miss cyanide-injected hedgehogs.

Swinging

2006-07-16T02:12:00.000+10:00

From the beginning of the week towards the end of the week, the mood swings very hard. Italy won the world cup with the final having the goalscorers of each team made a huge impact on the match. Materazzi's "foul", Zidane's chipped penalty, Materazzi almost conceding an own goal but scored on the other end, Materazzi's provokation, Zidane's headbutt, Materazzi's goal in the shootout, and finally Zidane's Golden Ball.

Somehow I am able to be tested for work, and reached the interview session. Hopefully I can finally make it now.

Confirmed, my return to the previous path, although my performance on the new (now old) one was quite decent. It was fun while it lasts.Unfortunately the future is quite cruel.

The week ends with a bizzare news. Calciopoli trial ends with Juventus, Lazio, and Fiorentina relegated to Serie B with deducted points for the new season while Milan remains unscatched in Serie A and is possible to reach Europe.

Wait...did I read that right? I need to restate it.

Fiorentina relegated to Serie B.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?!?!

What kind of atrocity is this? I can remember an event while a victim was punished (and I think that was stupid...the main truth was to defend a high position), but to think that it happened again in the course of my life and on a national scale is insane. Appeal needs to be done, because I never believed that victims are to be punished because they suffered and on top of that treated just the same as the actual perpretrators (and their oppressor).

Domino

2006-07-08T23:44:00.000+10:00

I've been thinking, the events that are about to unfold is actually caused by the chain reaction from several years past. I can remember the day I choose my decision merely to disobey what's told to me. The choice that leads to friendships, friendship breakings, ambition, despair, love, heartbreak, straying, and then returning. Looking back, I wonder what would I be right now if I chose to follow the path...I'm being too nostalgic because of this future choice it seems.

It seems that the choice I made forced me to return, despite my adaptation and acceptance of the new storyline. True, it is a struggle, and it is true that I might be able to make it. Though, will I look back with regret or not next year is uncertain.

On a lighter note, the World Cup is drawing to a close with Italy and France aiming for glory and Germany will be aiming for consolation together with Portugal. It seems surprising though since I did not believe in this year's Italy squad. The last time I can remember giving a damn to the squad is in 1998 or 2000. I'm glad that I can believe in them again, especially after the semifinal drama in Dortmund. I can barely breathe after the late goals, reduced to only saying "Yes!" over and over again. This would be a moment to enact revenge on the pain in 1998 and 2000.

Something interesting for you to consider, this case study based on real life situation.

We follow the adventure of eight adventurers torn between two kingdoms...Who am I shitting?

There might be confusion since it is told in a third person perspective.

This story happened at the beginning of the year with eight university students that happen to go to a university overseas (university A) by the help of a cooperation program with their university (university B) at the home country. At that time, they need to build a project, as part of thesis replacement since it would be their final year. We follow the viewpoint of student A who asked Mr. X whether coming to the thesis briefing would be necessary. The response is that the student can skip it since there is a difference between the project and the thesis (the briefing notes how to structure the format of the thesis) and off he goes to the other campus. Student B is also informed by Mr. X that when the student arrives at the destination (overseas), Mr. X would sent files which will then be used by student B to brief the other students.

When the role is set and all of the students are already abroad, the long-awaited briefing files did not arrive. Confusion ensues since everytime the students contacted parties from both universities, there were no replies at all. Unfortunately one cannot control the flow of time and two weeks passed without information. Word somehow found its path to the higher-ups and the universities are informed. Mr. X told the students that there is no connection whatsoever between the project of university A with university B itself. The students were then given an extension, replacing the time used for contacting the universities.

At this time, there has been communications between a particular student C and Mr. X regarding the project. The communication was kept secret though, the other students being unaware of it. This event will be vital to the case ahead.

As time flows, the students worked on their project, be it individually or within a group. Everything seemed to be in motion until an e-mail from Mr.X appeared in their inbox. The mail mentioned that the students need to submit a report for their project, based on the guideline of university B (which contrasted with the information that student A did not need to attend the briefing several months past) on a physical format (hard covered) and the deadline is set three weeks after the mail was delivered (which gives the students two effective weeks to actually start the report considering the time needed to post the thesis).

Hearing this, the students protested, noting the lateness in the information, the lack of timeframe to create a proper report, the necessary cost to send the file, and the fact that university B has once stated that there is no relation whatsoever with them regarding the project. Just as stated by student D, it's like working in a particular company but needing to do things the other company's way. It is also in this week that student C told the others of the communication with Mr. X and the fact that the student knows everything all along but decided not to inform others on this matter, keeping the information on oneself. The student actually did not agree with Mr. X but opted not to protest (based on information by the student).

A week later, Mr. X replied, stating that he had once informed it to student C (true, but the information did not spread) and student B (false, as can be seen at the beginning of this case). The students, however, still needed to finish their report, since failure to submit it by the deadline would mean that they needed to pay an extra amount of money for not finishing it on time. It is reported that the amount is approximately US$500 per person. Because of the circumstances, the students eventually started their report.

(That marked the end of the case. It has actually ended though but I am interested on how people would perceive the case)

Irritation

2006-07-01T23:18:00.000+10:00

This week has something tempting to talk about, regarding football. Italy are now through to the semifinals of the world cup to fight the host nation Germany. It doesn't matter though but the fact that the second round victory is disputed is so abysmal. Fighting with a man down from a wrong red card decision (which the world ignored, basically) they let Australia have no chance of penetrating their defense. Surely the possession is lower, but when that possession is not converted into real chances, then how can a team win? At the dying minutes of the game, the dreaded "dive" the world hated appeared apparently. Lucas Neill is "tricked" by Grosso who "tripped himself" over the defender. Totti finally slotted in the spot kick. What I want to say is that people forgot that the most important thing to do in your penalty area when an opposing player is there is not to brought yourself down. First, Neill obviously obstructs Grosso's path, leaving him the option to leap (and getting the ball stolen or ball possession lost) or run to him (and falling in the process). Let's not forget Neill's hand that shot upward (although it is not clear whether that hand tripped the Italian defender or not). Australia worked hard though and props to them. Quarterfinal match is easier since it has victory written all over it. The main concern is whether Toni can score or not and he delivered, twice. I picked up a book on the history of Italian football just days after the second round and it is interesting. Currently no time for reviewing though.

Because of the lack of time also and as to not jeopardising my chances, I'll delay what I want to write to next week. I am also annoyed by the fact that someone is basically putting words into my mouth to force others to comply to his needs. One, should you be responsible for yourself in an individual effort? Two, should you at least check your lie first? I mean, if the person can confirm to the others within speaking distance then it's just idiotic. Kinda like cheating in an exam with the proctor staring at you just one metre away. Three, I am still not convinced on your role. Are you actually a mole? Basically I'm confirming that I will not inflict that 70% possibility of me dying because of your actions.

The battle has reached its final phase, we should be able to succeed at this rate.

Thoughts

2006-06-25T20:30:00.000+10:00

This is why writing weekly is troubling. When there is no time and no ideas, it's hard to just write stuff up. I've something to write but I really need to form it so that it would be interesting and not jeopardising my current predicament. Next week then.

Lately I've been thinking a lot. Have I created reasons to justify my actions and mindset? Is it actually justifiable and if it isn't then should I wait and find more justifications? I think I have slowed down considerably.

Unbelievable. I should've listened and that past experience should've been my point of sight. This makes it so hard to trust humans. Working to accomplish your own needs, sacrificing others while at the same time directing people to believe the false truth, hidden within some unknown agenda. Are you even one of us, I ask? My sight would differ and I believe that you wouldn't care anyway. I'll just take this as an experience marching towards the true aspect of life.

Uncertainty

2006-06-18T03:04:00.000+10:00

I wonder how it would go...this final so-called project. Time is limited, I can't seem to be of any help, and the fact that people who would not want to help actually demanded outrageous things. I can't seem to believe how people would be able to do just that. Such is life I guess, or perhaps it's just them doing what they do best. Confusing people is their major point. Oh, and sucking money like vampires drawn to blood. Fresh blood from unsuspecting victims who could not retaliate.

World Cup fever is hitting Australia with the latest victory against Japan, first ever in their Cup campaign since 1974. It was indeed a wonderful feeling. Next would be Brazil, and there is a growing confidence here. I'm still supporting Italy as always, though not as intense as in 1998. If they lost I would also be happy.

It's amazing when people fell ill then you urge them to go shopping. Common sense seemed to be lacking. That thing is as useless as always I could not bother to made contact. At least I would not go around hoping to swing machetes this time. I'll wait and see.

Calm

2006-06-11T01:46:00.000+10:00

These days of resting has put a slight reduction to my stress in the past month. The World Cup season is here, and this will be a nice way to relieve the pressure. No actual teams to support this year, I'll just enjoy what's available there.

On what happened last week, if that stunt happened again I'll do what I want to do, not what I have to do. I won't care for the aftermath and backlash it might bring me. Letting loose is another way to relieve stress.

I must do what I have to do regarding several things, hopefully I am able to achieve them all.

Closure

2006-06-03T23:20:00.000+10:00

The first term is almost completely over after the long hard struggle ended on Friday. It's completely amazing considering that I am not doing what I should be doing and everything seemed very bleak. This kind of mindset must be changed if I were to survive, even moreso if I am hit by a punishment for this term's major mistakes.

A disappearance led people to fall into a state of panic. In the end, nothing bad really happened though. Regarding this matter, I will refrain from commenting for the time being. Who knows what I will say.

Relaxing would be good as of now, but I must not be complacent for I still have one more major task to do. At the moment, supporting is one of the major thing that I can do.

Mere Formality

2006-05-28T23:19:00.000+10:00

Again, forgetting to write weekly on a constant basis. Maybe it's not such a good idea after all to insist on writing with a certain time block. Well...better than writing nothing at all I guess.

This is indeed the final week for the first storyline, although there is a parralel story which is still continuing. One barrier down, four more to go and the path is bleak.

Can't believe I needed almost four hours to even write this...I'll just stop here...nothing to write anyway with this mindset.

Haste

2006-05-21T22:53:00.000+10:00

A slight memory loss pushes this entry a day later, my bad. Things are getting more and more hectic, especially when there are only 12 days left. It's also a surprising thing that the hurdle factor is not mentioned whatsoever until nearing the end. It seemed a bit unfair though because just when I though things are going less binding, that was not the case. I have to make do with the remaining days, and I'm sure that I can do it. Hopefully not through luck.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni freaked me out to the point that I can't let my good child rest fully. I feel so bad, hopefully I can get over this although I cannot guarantee it considering Higurashi is a must see. Maybe I need to strengthen my stomach. I finished watching Rozen Maiden, and Traumend's episode 6 makes me very happy. Suigintou-sama~

Fortunately I am less volatile and violent this week and not lashing out everytime. Maybe ignoring it for the time being is the best course of event.

Void...it might be a successful one after all.

Violent

2006-05-14T04:07:00.000+10:00

The week began with a major illness. Food poisoning to be exact, and it hit both me and my roommate. It was a struggle to move, and thinking of assignment is a major problem. Fortunately I can recover quick enough and being half rejuvenated is better than being completely ill, although what I did was not too impressive due to time lost and difficulty thinking without having headaches annoying everytime. Most of the groupwork is done though, and I will have to go for my own self really quick or I might end up losing.

What can I say anymore? Some people are just ignorant on others. I am ignorant on myself but still I think about others occasionally. When you pushed people without knowing the situation, that is annoying. I snapped back then and I will proudly do it again if you dare me. Screaming at me won't help matters. I guess I know though, since my presence here is never for my own self, but I'll be content though. I am not going to reply on that matter again however, since what I will do is just throw insults and explosions. At this rate I can pull lots of red strings to receive multiple hell marks.....

Pretty much pissed off at the moment, won't rant any much longer.

Slow Burn

2006-05-07T02:18:00.000+10:00

That's it. I'm slowly hurting myself to the point of a slow suicide at this rate. As long as my effort to think resulted in nothing, then everything would be meaningless. Maybe I need some push to do it, just like in the days past, during life and dream. Three weeks more and I am still clueless to some things I need to do. This looks awful.

A call from homeland told me about the current happenings. What happened to me back then would befall another. I felt it was stupid back then and I still think that it's stupid. Well, at least it's not me so the same bad recessive result would not happen again. I was created differently and so the end result is something horrific for the eyes of the people of truth.

Wavering yet again...I am sure that this might lead to my downfall if not treated carefully...

Bumpy Road Ahead

2006-04-30T01:27:00.000+10:00

And so the break ends, this week is mostly filled with globalisation and corporate social responsibility. Fortunately its over with a great impact. One large task has been completed, continuing to other numerous tasks. Walking straight to the last weeks is not that good of a feeling.

This week is a dramatic one in football. Watched Barcelona-Milan, read about Villareal-Arsenal (that last minute save is very dramatic), Middlesbrough's last minute winner after trailing 0-3 (again!) is insane and there would probably be a highlight of it tomorrow. Just a few hours ago, Chelsea clinched the title after mauling second place Manchester United with Zola watching. Just an amazing week.

Little to talk this week...should end this now before I drag things too long.

Volatility

2006-04-22T23:41:00.000+10:00

This week began with post-ressurection. Second one experienced here though, and I am certain that your action in the holy place before the event actually take place would be nullified if you are really serious in the actual event. I can't say the same though for people that talk bad things behind people's backs, as if holy enough to cast stones. Laughable indeed.

We actually serve as a basis for the movement and while it can be seen from far away, I have no problems with that. As long as we keep our jumpstart intact then we have the advantage. Unfortunately lethargy befall me and somehow I can't fully concentrate on the matter at hand. It's still salvageable though, and I just need a pen and some pieces of paper.

It's been awhile since I watched a lot of animes at once with the new season beginning and I enjoyed a lot of it. I watched some very late though, like Fate/Stay Night and Jigoku Shoujo which is very enjoyable. School Rumble rocks, and the drama in the second and third episode strangely touched me. Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu is a must see for me, and High School Girls might be a fun alternative to watch.

I haven't strayed too far, and it's a nice thing.

Halfway Through

2006-04-16T00:50:00.000+10:00

I have passed the halfway mark of this storyline and it seems that somehow I'm in the middle. Not particularly successful but also not that bad. Perhaps it's because of my sudden depression in the middle but rejuvenation keeps the hope alive. Now it's necessary to keep the momentum going strong.

After hard work early midweek, I am extremely grateful for this chance of break. Quite a lot of things to be done though and I might need to allocate some time to actually did what I couldn't do last week.

As for the void, it is kept strong...for now.

Pace

2006-04-08T23:50:00.000+10:00

That slight disappearance somehow clicked something within me. I've regained my speed capability on reading and writing, thus increasing my chances of survival. It isn't a good thing though, since this is not my mindset supposed to be but I'll slowly move on to gain that kind of pace. Must not stray from that one goal.

Internet is working fine again and Mai Otome has finally ended. I enjoy it, compared to others and my choice of favourite character is somewhat weird. Maybe I have a soft spot for those whose love is unrequited (Fujino Shizuru, Tomoe Marguerite and they both somehow went psycho in their own ways), and those needing no love (both incarnations of Nao). Next anime to follow? School Rumble Second Season.

This week, I am actually torturing myself by utilizing speed. Less chance to rest, forcing my body to the limit, I wonder myself how I am able to survive, since I can feel my body protesting more and more each day. Oh well, as if people would be concerned. It is also something I have to do....

Lifeline

2006-04-02T02:39:00.000+11:00

It's finally arrived. My lifeline for staying in here to continue on for one and a half year more. I'm not sure myself but somehow this week I am revitalized. Feeling positive towards something that I would get? There is a possibility there.

It's somehow difficult to go to my main world, with this limitations. Something happened just a week ago and I might gamble on it. Somehow they are getting more and more annoying, and I might consider getting a new partner.

Next week would be interesting...I would like to be free from the usual routines.

So Wrong

2006-03-26T01:01:00.000+11:00

All is wrong in my world.

That spirit can only went so far...because when the time comes, actually nothing can be done. Maybe I'll just have to get used to being a liability. It's something that I might need to accept....

ISP's fucked up, connection being an ass, and I can't download shit. What happened to my forty plus bucks? I seriously deserve a massive discount based on this. Like I have a decent case to ask for it....

The worst of it all, is when this void is doubtful. I know that the dream is merely a short lived one, but I'm actually doubting my choice of entering the void...what a field day you would be having eh?

Of the Living Dead

2006-03-19T02:45:00.000+11:00

What would you do when you are faced with inevitable defeat? Would you die proudly or continue living in defeat that would forever mark your life?

My lifeline seemed to vanish from my grasp, and chances of it returning to me is still there but I currently live in paranoia considering that everything would be in vain when it disappeared completely. I have no control over my own life....

The moment I wished to be a turnaround did not happen, and because of that, more stress came and everything seems wrong. I just hope that everything would work out well in the end because currently, I live but at the same time I don't live.

Early Burial

2006-03-11T23:08:00.000+11:00

It doesn't take long for me to realize the futility of all my efforts. Every single day opens up every weakness that I have, and it would not end until the wound become too big to overcome. What am I here for exactly? Is this my real wish, or merely a means to escape, knowing that nothing good would ever happen? Despair comes alongside lethargy, and shortly this would be inescapable. Can't blame anything else though, because this is the same with the dream situation. I am ultimately at fault.

Now everything can be summarized into one word, stalling. As long as I can gather the foolish courage and effort, then time would have a hard time catching up to me. If only I embraced the void earlier....

Four days to the conclusion, would everything be cut short or my path continues on will be decided shortly.

Downfall to Start

2006-03-04T23:14:00.000+11:00

Maybe this risk isn't really worth it...taking a responsibility burdened by that so called tradition. Can't be helped though, everything is already in motion. The first thing I felt was despair...such high expectation from a limited person. I won't back off though, having received support and possible desperation struggle, which have actually saved me once.

Is it bad to be unhappy? Is having people more miserable than you makes you at fault to be unhappy? If I played a little with words, then the reason to be happy is that because there are people more miserable than you. Interesting.

One and a half more week is the time I have left to prepare for everything.

Holding On

2006-02-26T04:19:00.000+11:00

The time draws near and still I have yet to focus on what I am supposed to do. This is getting so horrible and I might risk failing at everything I struggled for. Just less than a day left to gather myself together....

I can't believe that focusing on what I am aiming for in this storyline is so hard. Maybe it's my foolish tendency to think of numerous "what if's". Maybe they're right, maybe it's impossible. That however, won't stop me from staying in the void.

I appreciated the acceptance...so soothing to the mind, and I'm glad not to be bothered with that smile.

They have arrived, and it might take a while to see how things would go. I can't wait to see what happened when the masks fall and true faces are shown....

Boundaries

2006-02-18T23:03:00.000+11:00

It's amazing, your choice before being here. When you decided to follow the void, I am startled. How can this possibly be? How long would it be until you break and return to your pathetic self? Initially I thought that you could really handle it, and I am proud of you. However, I can see that you seem to be fading, confused, and anxious.

I can understand, since you have been dreaming too long and the early awakening might...just might put you into another story.Now your actions of the past would be the greatest burden to you. Life has not been a problem, and by this anniversary of rebirth I have seen no remains of it at all. Your way of thinking seemed to help a lot on that. Fragments of the dream though, I must say that you really need to see as you are being seen. Unfortunately your biggest challenge is the seeds that you have sown. I know, it's but a mere distraction right now, but if you really desire to be true to yourself and follow the sight then you really have to blind yourself. Not partially as what have happened in life, but fully.

After all this can be done, then I need not return here. I will stay watching with a smile, until you took a wrong turn....

Awareness

2006-02-11T23:39:00.000+11:00

I've realized that after I returned for a while, I become aware of my outer looks because of others. It's laughable yet annoying because after all I am now losing a bit of myself. I used to just ignore my outer looks, and now after those screamings, accusations, and gestures, I am getting insecure of my outer looks. How I felt that I shouldn't have returned because of this. I always hate people who looks at others from their outside appearance and I am being turned into one such person.

Never would've thought that I must wear white clothes when I write my resume. It seems that technology has evolved at such rapid speed that in my resume letter, there would be a projection of the color of my clothes and if it is black, then the chance of getting employed is nil. I must also ask why do you force me to wear white on a funeral when you said that the mourning color is black? I could write more and more about this.

I need to know why is it absolutely necessary to respect a failure older than me, yet you did not respect a failure older than you, and don't give me that bullshit of you being older than me.

It's also wonderful when people said to forget what they have said to me and to remember their words in the same sentence. Life has been such a confusing journey....

Void

2006-02-05T03:06:00.000+11:00

Here I am at the second last day being here. Everything is almost fully prepared and I'm raring to go. Somehow I remembered last year, and the events behind it. My dear good child came to me, the sight, realization of the sight, and the climax to "death". It has felt so far though, except for my good child, which is still accompanying me.

After two months of searching, finally I got the latest Ayu album, (miss)understood. Haven't watched the DVD but I enjoy the CD very much. I also got the photobook "on our way". I missed "off my day" but I guess it's fine.

Finally it is time to enter a new storyline. The awakening and some more events have guided me to the path that I will walk on. Void, it's decided. I wish that I no longer be caught in confusion as in the previous storylines, and I would let my sight guide me....

Tradition

2006-01-29T03:34:00.000+11:00

I managed to evade it last year, but I guess I'm not so lucky this time around. It seems annoying, this tradition of a different new year. Everything needs a reason, and it's so annoying to find that people has nothing to answer on topics such as death, cleaning, respecting people older, and that kind of waste. So irritating, because I am also a person that hates age privileges, that is when we have to respect people because said person is older than you. I can foresee something that would annoy me tomorrow, but let's see if I can make it enjoyable. After all, somehow I am very tempted to unmask myself. Oh how far have we gone....

Just one week left...what would become of me in that short time span?

Recently, my mind is too consumed with insanity. I wonder whether it would do good to me or otherwise...seeing that everything after the awakening is quite bizzare.

Halfhearted

2006-01-22T03:46:00.000+11:00

When the human you modeled after your design ended up unlike your expectations, is that human wrong? That damaged person can no longer revert after this very long time. But that's human. They would consider their object, their specimen is the faulty one. In the end, the smile desired would be very different from the smile that would be seen. Who is actually wrong in this twisted development?

It has been long...and ironically I somehow desire that sight, to lead me despite giving failures most of the time. It's weird though, I do lost your smile and sight. I do have changed.

Ah, nostalgia. It's a pleasant thing that I am still remembered after almost a year. However it is but an illusion of the past and it is better to step back into reality.

The time is fast approaching, and a good friend will return. Preparations are just halfway there, I have to really be serious.

Hideous Again

2006-01-15T03:12:00.000+11:00

Fourteen months.

Yes, it's been fourteen months since the last haircut. Less than 30 minutes after that, I become as hideous as the past me. It's funny to see people praising ugliness, and what makes it even better (or worse) is that it happens everyday. Unfortunately this is the way society is working. You just can't be your true self without people bitching and moaning about it. Well, majority rules after all. I'm already content though with this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Boredom struck me yet again. It's just the same thing everyday, but with less and less excitement. Have to hold on though, just a little more time and I'll be busy.

With the future closing in, I have to prepare for everything. Perhaps in two weeks time I can know everything that needs to be done and finish everything here. Well, except in the case of a small pathway to choose, although I can already see what to be done.

Feeling of Emptiness

2006-01-08T03:23:00.000+11:00

Several days in this new year and I have already become bored with things. Nothing is worth writing but I'll just do that for the sake of the policy. Life's been so boring, and somehow I can't wait to return abroad. Missed my friends there and missed Mai Otome. How many things I've missed....

It's quite annoying to know that my mask is somewhat having cracks here and there. If I could, I would never want to see my true face again, especially after what have happened before.

In ten minutes, I'll be able to watch Fiorentina live (on TV though, it's wishful thinking wanting to watch them in Franchi) after more than a year. I just hope I can wake up early after that though....

I can't answer yet...maybe the answer will appear after I return, thus starting a new storyline.

A Bleak Year's End

2006-01-01T03:52:00.000+11:00

And so it ended. The year that started with despair and ended with solitude. The only thing that is quite notably positive is that educationally speaking, my performance isn't that bad. My feelings has failed me yet again, and although it didn't leave a very deep wound, a failure is still a failure. The curse is still intact, and absolutely nothing can be done to stop it.

This week possibly has me questioning my sanity. It was so unthinkable, and would never happen if I am still normal and in harmony with the truth. I'll see how things would unfold though.

Illusion, Life, Dream, what would be next after the awakening?

I would ask you one thing, just one simple question. Would you now, after all these failures, finally follow your eyes?

End of a Dream

2005-12-25T03:30:00.000+11:00

This I have said before and I will say it again. I told you before. It would happen and it finally happened. You failed. You just can't defeat what can't be defeated. The curse will stay intact as long as you refused to believe the truth. My sight might be giving you a bad possibility, but now you are in worse shape than before this dream ended. A painful awakening, it is. I wonder what your future would be after this.

Returning is quite nice eh? You got a chance to meet old friends, and it's amusing how people failed to recognize you after ten mere months. What was in your mind when you see them, after you found out a lot of deep dark secrets? I saw your smile started to resemble mine. A beautiful, twisted one that is. Nevertheless, it's a relief that you can still smile.

This bad year is coming to an end...what would be your resolution in the future?

Near Awakening/To End the Dream

2005-12-17T23:49:00.000+11:00

The time is near.

This storyline would be ending in two days time, when I return to my homeland. It has been a long journey since it began ten months ago. It began with me having nothing at all, starting from zero and now I have grown with age, knowing more, realizing more, and seeing more. It is also within the story that I entered a dream, and decided to follow it.

It's amusing...been a while since I gave you my sight. Still you remained this way, despite all the warnings. Have you not seen yourself that the possibility is nearing zero? Why do you wish to follow that heart that has wronged you almost all the time?

Though it is quite a problem, I need to gamble on it. This might be the only way to know, and it's now or never. That's all I can say right now....

So there...let's follow your way for now. I also want to see your reaction upon the awakening. Whatever happened, I'll still be like always, smiling. Well then, take care....

Looking Back

2005-12-11T01:12:00.000+11:00

It has been almost a full year since this storyline began, and the end of this year is closing in. I might now recap everything that has happened since.

January - Post disaster, when everything is too late.

the wanderer, settled
reunited
cracks appearing
wrath
preparing to go
something to think about

February - Requiem.

my beloved good child
the first sight - helpless observer
premonition - a dream of the future
final sight - when everything falls apart
they said it's God's wish
Meaningless Requiem
A new continent - those empty eyes
the curse broken
new beginning, rebirth
I've already known
self manipulation - just like the old days
patterns, again

March - The Wounds That Shan't Be Healed.

avoiding people
point of no return
realization of my sight
reason - what destroyed me
frozen memories
the distant reunions

April - Dreams and Illusions

the forgotten health
opening up
the past - an alternate reality
despair and hopelessness
depression
purpose driven

May - Cracked Under Presssure

struggling - fear of premature end
defeated - temporarily
reflection of living for oneself
paranioas
refusing happiness - a possible outcome
true faces - from the eyes of hypocrites towards me
towards the first final battle

June - The First Decisive Battle

dreamless
in harmony with the immortal violet
first safety obtained
seeing love...literally
moments of the battle
doubting feelings
uncontrollable
doubts - another gamble?

July - Second Chapter

calm trips
the dream continues
living the dream
preparations
an unconvincing start
bad blood - will it end?
to believe - living the dream

August - New Skirmishes

from a different view
failing health
just so close
a hindrance
struggling to complete
confidence

September - Somber

returning - thanks to the followers of God
fear of deja vu
the weak link
closer...?
nostalgia - the white rose
september's cycle - depression
reality check
a leap of faith

October - Fluctuations/The Honest Self

calm and peace
the storyreader - on people and relationship
liability
preparing for the second battle
being perceived as pathetic
the awful honesty
holding to the dream - path to the future

November - Last Days of Dreams

battle's aftermath
post battle calmness
risk
the sight of failure/to follow the feelings
for a mere hopeless love?
future's choice
clashed and disheartened
your true face
deep sorrow
the dream continues
the truth of people - their true faces
preparing for destruction and awakening - December approaches

Now, after reviewing I shall tell the happenings of this week. My return was delayed, because I have to stay to build a path towards the future, a simple yet necessary one. It's a long walk but I'll be able to do it. Would be a different thing from this storyline but it has to be done.

I began to continue communicating again and though it's very short, I feel relieved. I have to be prepared though....

As the moment of awakening draws near, so is the fear of destruction looming behind. This month is a major battle point, and I have yet to win even once....

The Dream Continues/Into the Darkness

2005-12-04T02:26:00.000+11:00

The second storyline ended beautifully, passing all of the courses and actually getting a mark increase from the previous semester. The situation with the other forces have been quite calm as of late, and in the end I delayed my return to finish what must be done. I'm also glad that my friends can also continue his path, they are good people.

Hmm...isn't it too soon to be celebrating? Do you remember what month is this? Yes, the month that you have dreaded for a long time. December, disastrous December. Nothing will go the way you wanted to. In the end, you will receive great pain because this unbroken cycle guarantees that. You have to also remember that almost all of those pains have already been sighted yet you continue on to believe in your heart. That took you nowhere at all. This time, with my helpful sight, you can actually prevent that to happen again. It is up to you though to choose what to believe. I really do wonder...do you actually wanted to receive the pain of this dark month? If so, then there's nothing I can do.

It's not like that. I also hate those wounds, because it plunges deep. December is never nice to me, but if I gave up too soon, then I will always end up like this for years to come. Though little, as long as there is hope then I would gladly accept whatever outcome thrown towards me. This might just be my year.

Paths lit, time draws near. What would happen in the moment of awakening? The dream would end in the month of disaster. Would it be similar to the past years? Would the curse finally break? All I can do is believe in this faint glimmer of light....

Heaven/Hell

2005-11-27T01:19:00.000+11:00

This is it.

It has been almost ten months I have been here, reborn from ashes of the former days. Finding a dream to be achieved, struggling to fight in two storylines. The first ended nicely, and in a little bit longer than a day's period I and my other 20 friends would see the aftermaths of our choices and decisions in our second journey here. For me, this is the first step because should I fail here, then I might consider to relinquish the dream straight away. After this, other steps would follow but this is the very basis of the foundation, the very reason I am here for.

I might as well say, regardless of our difference in the way we perceived things, this is the time that I will stand with you. After all, we would go towards the future together, no matter which path is to be chosen. Your dreams are different from my dreams, but your future is also my future.

Recently, there is a slight possibility that the hatchet is buried, but still the problem is yet to be solved. To wait for others, to wish for everything to work well, the fear of awakening in pain, everything overwhelmed me to such degree that I have to resort to other things to remove the stress and pain. This would not be good in the long run, but I have cared less and less about this body, since there are none to care about it anymore other than the old me, and he died long ago.

To the light or to the darkness, the dream would end soon. Reality would show the path to the future.

Choice/Turning Point

2005-11-19T23:58:00.000+11:00

Things are turning more and more depressing with each day passed. What was once an innocent information turned out to be something very wrong. Optional turned forced mandatory, what was supposed to be a possible last chance might vanish away. I become disheartened and everything seems to be wrong, and it's still half a month before all this is expected. I can't even write down about things that happened this week...either forgetting them or having everything put aside because of this matter....

Surely this is a great sign that my sight can see almost everything. Even other forces try to get in your way, and you still think that there is a chance? They seemed to do this at a very precise moment, and I am sure that you hate them, the way they denied you a chance to fullfil the dream although they do not know of it, the reasoning and their intention to convince that they are right at all times. It's sickening, right?

It's not like that, they have their own opinion and some are reasonable. I am also going against them for my own selfish reason, so I don't seem to have a ground here.

Is that so? There is no lying against me. I can see that you despised them, for everything. All your reasoning fell on deaf ears. They also contradicted themselves, and they put you in a situation where it would be almost impossible to have things your way. "It's better to never return at all" echoes in your mind, you're getting closer to your real self with each day passed. It's too obvious for me to not notice. All their reasonings...it seems that your existence is oblivious to them, and the status only matters. In the end, money makes the world go round eh, regardless of whatever doctrine they smacked on you?

I don't know anymore...all of these happened too fast, in such a critical time. Should I relinquish the dream?

Calmness/What I Have Seen

2005-11-13T00:19:00.000+11:00

It has been a very calm week after the exams. Nothing major came, and everyone has finished their exams this week. There are some of them who have went home though, reducing our number here.

Once most of us went out for dinner, and that was nice. I might somewhat be rude laughing at that small moment, although it was funny in a somewhat spontaneous way....

What's most major in this week is my effort to go even further, and although I spend a lot, it was quite worth it to step forward. A very risky thing to do but in the end, it paid off.

Regarding this matter, I want to tell you a hurtful truth. I have seen the outcome, and it would end with your failure. Now I know that you would deny it, and I am sure you feel that there is still a way, a hope that things would work well. What I can tell you is that my eyes never lied to you. Back then I have also seen it, but you denied it until you finally experienced it yourself. Remember how miserable you were?

Thinking like that will not solve the problem, since I would never know what would happen if I were to back off everytime and accepting everything just like that. What is wrong with following my feelings and clinging on to that hope, however small it seems?

Here you go again. Have I ever been wrong? You have followed your feeling everytime and you ended up failing, and the aftermath is always what I had seen. I admit, it is funny to see you in denial, trying and failing again and again, but I am getting annoyed. You know that I am always telling you the truth, for your own sake. But if you still persist, then I'll just let you have it your own way. I will always smile, whatever the outcome may me of this dream of yours, this hopeless love that you foolishly believed in....

Nearing the Last Page

2005-11-05T23:31:00.000+11:00

It has been a long ride, but the exams are over. I am not quite sure about my survivability but at least I've done my all. Nothing I can do until the end of the month, and I shall wait for the ending patiently. Now I should enjoy this month to the fullest, knowing that I still have to consider the path to walk on for my next step.

It seems that my body post-exam has deteriorated insanely and I am feeling weak and tired almost everytime. No matter, now's the time to recharge it. I have a lot of time and I will use it all.

So, summer's coming. I don't really like this season though...winter is better since the heat in here is different and the wind is harsh. I'd like cold breeze to soothe me better than this painful heat....

I've done all I could here. Now to see whether I can walk forward or painfully stopped in my tracks.

Heheh, two weeks from now I'll recite a story for you. Hope you'll be interested, since it was a very defining moment for you.

Looking Forward

2005-10-29T23:35:00.000+10:00

Here I am in the middle of the exam, fearing the worst for the first result. It seemed so hard even though I have been helped by my friends and a support came through. For that, I only hope for survival. The next few days, I am not quite focused but thankfully yesterday I can focus myself fully and today I managed to accomplish my target. One more left, the major dilemma since the opening chapter of my second storyline. This would prove to be crucial.

Watched WWE RAW Survivor Series Tour in Melbourne and I am greatly satisfied with the show. Almost three hours full of wrestling, and most are good matches. Favourite moment was when Motorhead's The Game played. It felt really different than watching from the TV. The atmosphere is way different. Bought a T-shirt as souvenir and a cap.

I have to decide on how I would spend my near future just after the month if disaster. It seemed that there is another pathway opened, but there are a lot of considerations regarding this situation. I don't want to burden people, there is confusion regarding which would I choose if I take that path, and what would happen to the dream...I have to decide soon enough, and I hope that it would be the best choice.

Prelude/Here I Am

2005-10-23T04:27:00.000+10:00

The second barrier has been erected, last three hurdles to overcome as I reach for the dream. This time the challenge is greater and I have actually prepared myself earlier and asked help from fellow friends. Just a few days before my first trial...hopefully I can do good.

Everything now becomes tougher eh? Some even think you're so weak and pathetic and they pitied you and let it be known to everyone. People might defend you by saying that it's a form of sympathy but you and I know better. Painful eh,since you hate to be pitied?

Everyone has his or her own opinions and they can interpret it anyway they like. Besides, why is it becoming a big idea to see things like that?

Heheh, this is the way of seeing things from the reality. As always, you kept hiding in those dreams of yours while avoiding the truth almost every single time. You have changed a lot, evading the truth again and again. Remember the day I returned? You are there standing foolishly scammed by the so-called followers of God. You have to also remember that they are the ones If I were there earlier, I can prevent such degradation and I am sure the old you would never fall to such lows. Say, I got another question. How much ~~blessing~~ commision do you get to convert people anyway? You have been chased like there's no tomorrow, and it's so you that you can't turn down anything and it sickens me.

I know that I somehow "lost my mind" back then, but I have already overcome it. It's not like I have to change drastically, I stay true to my belief just like four years ago. I know what I am doing and I am not a person easily swayed. Please just wait and see before jumping to conclusions too easily.

Things change and I can see people's views towards me also change. I remembered back then when I inflicted that partial blindness on me about a year ago. I saw the traces a few days ago, that after I opened my eyes again, people saw me in a different way. I have no regrets though, since back then it was the best option and my opinion today has yet to change.

Time draws near, the opening theme would be sung, and the path to the dream would unravel....

Roles

2005-10-16T03:19:00.000+10:00

When I looked back again, what is my actual role in every group that I am in? Most of the time I did the least amount of work and ended up underperforming. At the end of everything all I can say is thanks and sorry. Thanks for helping and sorry for screwing up, that is. It is quite proven twice this week, with two assignment deadlines and two presentations. My works are minimal, and everyone works harder than me.

Heheh, true that is. And I believe that you overlooked one big thing. Those that are no longer grouped with you fare much better than when you are there. I mean, just see that your friends can actually make something happen. I really can't imagine that happening with your presence. You are indeed a liability, and think of those others in your group. What do they really think about you, who worked poorly and helped the least? Surely not a nice sight for you to see eh?

I sometimes felt that myself, but I have to persevere and improve, because if I stayed there and mourned over it, then what would become of me?

Exams are approaching, as assignments are done. The problem is that my health have become worse, and there was no time to rest and recover. Yesterday was possibly the worst moment, seeing blood where it shouldn't be there. As I said before in chat, this might be a big gamble on my side. Sacrificing my health to accomplish one goal is my choice. Now that I have the time to rest, I just hope that the damage is not too severe to heal in a short time.

Storyreader, what you said is reasonable, as acceptance is indeed necessary for a relationship. But consider a situation where they never met. They won't be able to experience their close relationship, but in the long run, they would not need to experience the pain of not being able to see each other again, or the pain of separation. I mean, there is a possibility that the pain to not exist at all.

I might think that things get better and better, but what is seen from me? I am staying in anxiety as the last barrier to the dream approaches....

Pressure Increasing

2005-10-08T22:15:00.000+10:00

The stress builds up on and on after the holidays, as time draws near to assignment deadlines which are aplenty and very close to each other. The path to the exam is becoming closer as I speak. It is quite depressing thinking about bad things nearing those days, but it can't be helped. I have to struggle to survive, and to continue the dream.

Funny though because at the beginning of the week everything seemed cheerful. Go cart, the jokes and small walks, and especially the distant words. They all seemed to increase my spirit, but just in a few days things changed...my mind seemed to fluctuate too rapidly.

Who have offended me? I felt none of those, and I may think that it might be because of my way of writing. Omitting names and speaking nonsense might confuse you. As for storyreader, reading from you made me think...is it better to stay far away from everyone, to think that not knowing at all is better than losing the ones you know?

Time is getting closer...for everything that I gambled here.

Reverse

2005-10-02T02:02:00.000+10:00

A break just a month before the finals, is the topic of this week. Went to my friends' apartment to play games, which I haven't played for a long time and exchange stories. It's interesting how back then I seemed to see others as hard to approach yet now people here seemed to be closer than before. Because of that and several other events this week, I slept early...in the morning and woke up very late. Glad that nobody would care though, back then I would be concerned of myself.

Giving a birthday greeting with a delay of three second, but unfortunately somehow there are some bad news. I wish things would turn out well in the end. I'm always at a loss of words for this kind of events....

Somehow my gloomy days and thoughts ended just after that. Perhaps this is not some kind of bizzare coincidence? Anyways, I successfully managed to survive the leap of faith. I can see good things coming, as long as I keep on holding true to the dream.

Somber September

2005-09-24T23:51:00.000+10:00

Lately I realized that I'm being gloomy and depressed all the time, thinking about everything in a negative perspective. How I fear failing after seeing the exam timetable, fearing that my assignments won't work out fine, and fearing that I can't accomplish my dream. Looking at the past again, I can draw a line. It's September and last year in this very month, I am controlled by my emotion and my emotion alone. Last year was a prelude to the selfdestruction that I planted myself because I can't control my emotion and anger. I wonder what would be the outcome of this gloomy month this year. The song HEAVEN just made my melancholy feeling even deeper and darker. How I hate this cycle...and in a few months I will be destroyed once again.

It's weird, most people I chatted and talked with also feels that this month, they are being moody and unenthusiastic. Now I am not sure why, but the reasons are aplenty. Is this month cursed or what?

Beware of the words you said and actions that you did. Someday, sometime, you will be faced with reality and it wouldn't always be nice. I saw several occasions of those reality checks this week. How would they respond? Doesn't matter, it's their damn business as long as they don't bother me. If they do, then I can revert from the person who provokes to the person who insults deeply, plunging knives. And all that would be done either with a smile in the face or without any expression at all. I might choose with a flip of a coin.

Let me reply the responses that I received.
Seeing the outcome of my current life, I would gladly embrace a change in the past. After all, how much worse can it get than to survive by means of "rebirth"? The events of this year leads me to the events two years ago, with my decision to be done in the month of disaster. Same old, same old.
We all here would be fine, and we would be meeting you in a few months' time. Just pray that we would not need to fail here.

I have deliberately shown a little bit of me. The outcome? Still unknown until this very moment. Unfortunately this month's feeling doesn't help matters....

Nostalgia

2005-09-17T23:44:00.000+10:00

Ah...a week of remembering the past old days.

Today is a special day for a certain white rose.

I just couldn't understand why memories of the past rushed into me. Relationships, stories, decisions and such returned and made me think back again. Would it be different if things were slightly changed? Is it possible for me to become such a sentimental wreck? What if I can finally achieve my lifelong obsession? Even texts exchanged online made me think of those days gone by.

To watch a thriller and laughed at the climax of the movie is possible, with a little push from a friend. More and more days and I am being pulled yet again into the world of gaming. Quite dangerous considering the deadlines of next week's assignments.

Got the latest single of Ayumi Hamasaki, and I enjoyed HEAVEN. It's absolutely touching and kept me wondering more and more about the dream I wish to achieve. Would it happen, would I repeat the same mistake again? I have decided to seal one possible path though, as not to repeat the same thing again.

Everything would eventually return to myself, on whether I can pass the hurdles laid out in front of me. These would be my last barrier from achieving the dream.

Closer

2005-09-10T22:58:00.000+10:00

Part two of my storyline is halfway complete and the first half is satisfying enough for me. This half though, things aare becoming harder and the deadlines grow closer. I must say that the possibility of me closing in on the hurdles are depending mostly on the teamworks, since most second assignments are groupworks and I am lucky to be with mostly smart and competent partners. The main thing though, I have to ensure that I wouldn't become a burden.

I don't quite understand why but I happen to become lazier than before. Just a few weeks ago I went through everything without even thinking of stopping and then this week hit me. Have to regain my spirit and go forward.

It seems that we're getting closer. Or is it only my hope and imagination? I am not sure though, but I am somehow convinced that everything has become obvious by now. How can it be possible to know it when sight is virtually impossible?

Digging Up the Dead

2005-09-04T00:29:00.000+10:00

Finally gathered up the courage to read the previous storyline that ended in early February. Somehow though, I am getting drawn back to that era, where darkness prevails. Isn't it ironic when the more and more people forced me to go to the light, I am constantly getting fascinated and embracing the inviting darkness? God, since when did your followers are encouraging scamming, conspiring, and sweet talking in their gospel? Perhaps this is one of the possible reasons on why I ended up choosing Roman Catholic as a needed information on my ID.

This is not a good week in entirety, other than my success in completing the final one of the first assignments and having helped my dear Yoiko to achieve better. Lecturer being late forcing me to find another day for replacement, making a chain reaction that makes me unable to understand the lab, making a bad pizza, and the most unfortunate days are in the end of the week.

Being greatly confused in paying the remainder of my rent before finally getting the right decision, problems in buying transport card (who in the blue hell assumes 1 card of 2x10 is the same as 10 cards of 2?), and then when we returned from Highpoint, somehow I have to suspend my disbelief. Tram stops, because of an accident where a car smashed into the tram stop fence. Tow truck took quite a long time, and somehow the tram driver went home. The replacement driver then said that the car is actually stolen and the thief ran away after ramming the car. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) we were not late. After watching a quite good movie (but I can't even believe that someone has the nerve of proposing engagement/marriage to another girl when he is actually dating someone, your dignity flushed down the toilet boy?), and then we arrived at the main fiasco of them all where you can read in the first paragraph. I am actually startled that my sight did not help me until it was too late to actually do something. Is this really a great conspiracy? If they read this, I may as well be condemned to Inferno, but I wonder how honesty can lead you to the gateway of Hell.

I wonder...is it actually a halt for me in this story? Should I slow down? On the other hand, my recent responses are not supposed to be there. I must not repeat the same story again. History is there to ensure the same thing does not happen twice. I actually have considered the ending for this storyline, one way or another....

Trying things

2005-08-28T00:06:00.000+10:00

It began with the last ditch effort to finish my third of 4 first assignments and how well I succeeded, well in our opinions though, thanks a lot to the helps from three of my friends because without them my dream would've ended in a screeching halt. I thank Harry, Clara, and Edwin for the help and others for the support.

Afterwards we ate dinner at midnight (imagine how hungry we are) and the food did not dissapoint. Returned to watch Premier League, and to enjoy the game in two consecutive weeks. Funny though, out of several viewers, only one person enjoyed the victory and that is me.

First exam done, Broadcast Network Engineering mid and somehow I feel quite confident. The assignment result is out and it's good. I seem to choose the right thing in the beginning of the second storyline.

Next assignment awaits, and this one is crucial for me. Failing means I should stop dreaming, and I don't know how to keep going anymore. But for one's sake, I would force my way through.

Interesting stuff I had today. After a tutorial, I returned to eat and then went to my friend's birthday party. A friend of mine mixed several drinks and although it is alcolholic, I am certain that I'm still sober and I have yet to do what a drunk man should do.

I guess things started to become quite obvious. Should I press forward? Should I pull back? Time keeps on flowing to that awaited moment....

Stuck for the Moment

2005-08-21T00:55:00.000+10:00

Looking again on what I have traveled through, I can say that somehow it's a miraculous thing that I am still going forward. In truth, I realized that I chose the wrong program after a year going but the choice from last year gave me a chance to finally go the right path, although it is still hard and I still fear the future given my limited capabilities on the subject that I am currently engaged in.

At this moment, I am in a pinch situation where although I have been working for a week, still I have yet to finish this assignment. At this rate, I may even fall apart but even though it is a possibility, I will still struggle. Tomorrow shall be the day where I would unleash everything for this assignment. I surely need help but I hope I won't be a bother...knowing that I am a great liability.

Spoke to a family member a few days ago, it's been quite a long time since the last conversation (I guess it's even since the new year, where I met a friend of mine in church). Glad to know that everything is alright (surprising words, knowing that these are from my mouth; if you read my previous storyline then this is a big change). There might be a clash of opinion when I return home though, but hopefully I can weasel my way out of it for probably a month or so.

My mind has been thinking of this matter more and more with each day passed. The problem however, is whether I am able to endure the struggle for the sake of this dream....

Randomness All Around

2005-08-13T23:43:00.000+10:00

It's interesting on how a week could be full of almost anything.

I have to say that I must apologize to my team members on actually doing crap in my group effort. Fortunately they did well to cover my faults and so the presentation is not jeopardized by my clumsiness. I just felt that I'm getting weaker and weaker, and I may be the Achilles's heel in all groups that I'm in. This must not continue.

Once again, snow eluded me. After barely missing her last week, the news predicted that she will come in mid-week and mother nature seemed to support it, giving a chill to the bone. Somehow my luck didn't seem to make it since there's none of her presence that day. To think that on that day, it would be the first ever time to meet her in 21 years and missed again, how much longer will the wait for our next possible meeting be?

My health is in it's all time low in this week. I actually have to lay and rest for quite a long time, unable to even stay seated for even a fraction of second at the peak of my illness. Fortunately, as with every other occurences, a night's sleep removed the illness quite nicely. Somehow I felt that this kind of lifestyle is the same as what I once had, caring less for my own health.

Almost blurted out...is it already known? Need to be careful next time....

Different Eye

2005-08-07T02:03:00.000+10:00

When we see things from only our side, we will certainly be biased. You'll be surprised though if you try to see it from the viewpoint of others, be it someone you know or a stranger. I thought that the failure of getting the space to have a holiday today is bad, but seeing from a different light, I have done something I really need to do to go on and I helped my friends (although others would also be like me if they were put in my position). Isn't it nice to see the positive things even on a not-what-you-wanted situation? I guess time has changed me slightly regarding several things.

What if you can't really focus on things? I find it hard currently to maintain my focus and concentration, and this is actually worrying me in my path to accomplish what I want. Hopefully I can stay true to what I wanted and to continue this ongoing struggle.

Recently I realized that I stayed away from new people. Is it because of my thoughts of the past, because I don't want to have knives giveaway while exposing my back at the same time? I might not know the truth yet, but this train of thought is a possible reason that I don't want to know and trust new people.

When things go quite well, the possibility still continues. Should I go on to the next step, or continue on observing and waiting?

Bad Blood

2005-07-30T22:27:00.000+10:00

It's actually a series of events that made me into the person I am now. An ongoing process that spans over the course of ten years, with its ups and downs, changing views, and a dying hope turned to a very deep sinful obsession that would last for five years. Mind you some people actually did not buy this, altering this storyline with their own words, and I am sometimes confused on whether they or me who is experiencing it because I feel like I'm entirely not my own person to hear their stories. Hell, as if I'd fail the lie detector when talking about my life, they know jack shit.

Why I'm bringing this up is because I have done the unthinkable (well, at least for a certain few) and finally taken the cue to start ending this bad blood. I actually know very well that this would come to an end, but the ending is the one that is uncertain because the two possible outcomes are very extreme in difference. Whether it would be a good or bad one, I could care less though. It won't change a bit about me regarding my opinion and beliefs. It's more like getting rid of this bugging thing out of my mind that first came to my mind. Well, anything could happen though as this is just one ocassion.

Did I actually blundered this term? I'm quite falling behind in my understanding on this semester's courses. Quite the fear that comes everytime the semester begins, but this time I won't stop, just like last semester. There's something important in the end that must be done.

Thinking of the past, I actually find it hard to believe that I'm struck again. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly and without any reason at all. I guess this time I'll not think too much on the logic side and go with the flow. Maybe I'll just believe.

The Second Start

2005-07-23T23:49:00.000+10:00

Semester Two has already begun as I wrote this down, with a fairly slow start. In the end, I chose the course considered quite simpler than the one already chosen, I don't want to look back and watch in sorrow several months from now but I am actually still uncertain on my choice. Time will tell though, and I have quite a lot of it to see what I actually need to be.

My reading desire has actually returned, finished Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince in three days time. It's more depressing than the other five books in my opinion, and the turn of events somewhat shocked me (more than the fifth considering I accidentaly read a spoiler to it back then) although I have predicting some events to take place, but the half-blood prince's identity is actually unexpected to me. Wonder what would happen in the last installment, although I have to wait a long time for it.

Lately I have been quite uncontrolled in money spending...I have to start calculating better, mustn't go on like this.

When there is a mutual support, things seem to be better. I hope I can maintain the situation.

Turning of Pages

2005-07-17T00:44:00.000+10:00

The second part of this story will soon come before me, and I am still 75% ready for it. In just mere days, the page of this continuing dream shall be opened and I will once again struggle hard. I don't want to be disheartened in the beginning, and I am certain that I can find the solution to the last choice that I will make. The only thing necessary as of the moment is that I have to control my lifestyle again.

The days of relaxing has coming close to an end and it's not bad at all. It's quite enjoyable although I didn't go too far. This place surely gives me moments that will last in my life, and I'm glad for it.

Well, anyone that wants to link to this page is welcome, but this page would not link to anything else. Please do mind this lazy person.

Things are well improving, but I has no idea at all on what is actually happening in the big picture. Whatever it takes, I'll continue on dreaming. All this for the sake of dream.

The Dream Continues

2005-07-10T00:15:00.000+10:00

It is still halfway through this storyline, but at the moment I can be at ease. Not a single one out of the four courses I took ended in failure. It's actually funny yet also made my heart beat faster than usual knowing that I get every single passing grade that is available. Now what awaits for me is the latter half, where things would be much more harder and I have to be more and more cautious and stay true to my determination.

My health is falling, getting worse with each day passed. It seemed weird because since arriving here, my health is better than before and when I am supposed to have adapted to the environment, my health is plumetting again. Is it because my normal state is an unhealthy one?

What would I choose for the last course in the upcoming semester? There has been a doubt and fear whether my choices would help me or fail me. I'll go on, but carefully observing when to run and when to stay.

To continue on dreaming, it's quite a miracle that I can still persevere. I hope that this dreamer can continue on, wondering whether would it stay a dream, would it become an untouchable illusion, or a magical reality....

Many Journeys

2005-07-02T23:55:00.000+10:00

This week is full of walks and trips, mostly fun.

Sunday I went to Chadstone, bought a new jacket for 25% the original price and it's a really great bargain. I also found out (albeit by coincidence) my neighbour. Never talked though.

Monday...well, my memory seemed to blur out but I guess I did not go anywhere except Docklands (so in fact I went somewhere) and tried discounted main meal. It was nice but what's surprising is that a meal was totally unavailable, the meal that almost everyone wanted. The place was also a good one to test my new jacket and it did not dissapoint.

Tuesday watched Batman Begins, and I'm pleased with the storyline and movie. Quite a nice prequel, although some parts are confusing to me. This week, my friends are into Batman Begins quote mania and their quotes of choice are good.

Thursday we went to the museum again, and after dinner we went to Crown. Danced the only way I can dance, in the DDR machine. I am a bit rusty but I can still do some tricks so that's a relief. Afterwards we went to the casino, well we almost adjourned it but in the end cooler heads get the most of it and we can enjoy ourselves. Got a relatively large win that shocked me and made me anxious. I hope I can prevent myself from going there again, I have a little bit of an issue on gambling.

Today is rather different than the rest of the journeys. First time doing fitness exercise (although short and unplanned), then we went far to a factory outlet. Losing track of time, we didn't caught the last bus (it drove away before my eyes). I the end, we finally decided to walk to the train station and creating a new friendship (I guess) during our trip. The forty minute trip wasn't that painful, although the aftermath spoke differently and my feet were very sore.

I have to say thanks for the first ever perspective to this storyline. To answer, however, my situation is still in a state of hope or pain.

Decisions are to be done, will it be deja vu all over again, or should I succumb to fate, after two failed attempt to defy it....

Scattered

2005-06-26T01:19:00.000+10:00

Well, when I say scattered, it would mean my week. It's very uncontrolled when my sleep time is quite random (at Sunday I even slept at 8am after I went to church because I couldn't sleep), waking times are more scattered but almost always after 12pm, and everything I did seemed unplanned at all.

Post exam, I'm being complacent in almost all ways possible. Being so unproductive, and this time it irritated me. I should've done something and I need to do something. I wonder whether it is possible though, considering my state of mind as of late. Perhaps I need something to shake off this laziness?

I might be grasping in the dark, but I think I'll give it a try. Staying in doubt won't solve matters, and I'll only getting more and more curious without eventually knowing what's best. This might possibly be a big gamble again, although I can't say it's a very large one like several years ago.

What Lies Beyond

2005-06-18T23:46:00.000+10:00

Feel my Feeling - Eri Sawachika image song for this week

Exams are finally over, closing the first chapter. For a quick assessment, from the first one to the last one I can feel uncertainty in the first, confidence in the second and third, and fear in the fourth and final one. For the assignment hurdles, I got good results with three and barely in the fourth. Now to consider what to take in the second chapter of this storyline.

Now after the final hurdle, I have no idea on what to do next. Nothing planned and nothing sparks in my mind at the moment. Hopefully I can make out something to fill this whole month....

I began doubting my feelings now. Back then I am pretty much sure of it, but as time goes I kept on wondering whether this is merely an illusion I create or a genuine feeling that was once felt. I might observe this, for I don't want to fall in my own illusion. There's a line drawn even though I have been lying to myself again and again, to live in harmony with my wound. Will this be an answer? I don't know yet but I hope it would be.

Back from the Ashes

2005-06-12T03:18:00.000+10:00

Scramble for two weeks...guru guru mawaru

It's amazing how things can go up and down extremely fast in a span of a week. I thought that my story here ended in a devastating failure, but after protesting, my scripting language assignment grade is actually safe. I should be able to survive this semester now. Last exam remaining, Perl.

Love is all around...I saw it literally beneath the stars and moonlight, and I hope that would never happen again. Freaky.

This week has distraction written all over it. Whilst trying to study, Ragnarok Online tempt me. Whilst going to stay focused, two grade fiascos overcome me. I'm really glad that all those are over...well except for RO. Gaming ways have found a way to my heart again.

Now I have to prepare everything for the last fight in this semester.

Euphoria, then?

2005-06-05T04:02:00.000+10:00

What can I say about the beginning of this week? Sleepless for 36 straight hours to finish the assignment (which ended up not completely finished although I was still relieved), and waiting for the decisive battle between more than three serie A matches on whether Fiorentina would survive the drop, escape through another heartbreaking moment, or go down to serie B. I am quite wondered that the very minute my assignment finishes, Fabrizio Miccoli scored for Fiorentina and the match itself ended up 3-0 for us to send Brescia (post Baggio) down. Added with Parma and Bologna held, Fiorentina survived the dramatic end, forcing Parma and Bologna to fight for their existence in the top flight. Words cannot describe the state of happiness at that very moment. The relief put me at full rest, 14 hours of sleep refreshing my body and mind. All because of assignment completion and football, and I may say that it is the very reason I watched 22 people chasing a single ball.

The final days of semester 1 has begun, with today as a startpoint. I managed to convince myself of first survival, and thanks to the euphoria, I can finally stand tall. Three to go, and my spirit is currently on the rise.

I can't help but feel that I am constantly becoming nervous over several simple things and unfortunately physical condition is affected on this winter time. Kinda funny though, although it's quite irritating becoming nervous in the wrong location.

This entry is quite short...some reasons are behind it though.

Inbetween

2005-05-28T23:44:00.000+10:00

The theme song is Tamashii no Refrain (Youko Takahashi)

Tomorrow I shall know whether this journey would end up with me surviving or failing. Scripting language second assignment is going to determine whether my first one is rescuable or not. Less than twenty four hours left, and I might probably skip sleep for this one. It's do or die, now or never.

How coincidental though that tomorrow is also a decisive day for Fiorentina to survive in Serie A, seemingly we are linked. I hope that everything would work out well.

Watched Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith earlier this week, and I am quite satisfied by the movie. Anakin's journey to the dark side was convincing, although his final turn seemed quite rushed. Order 66 is brilliantly executed, and there is a feeling that Sith is not all evil, despite its opposition towards Jedi. I mean, nearing the end, still he is not really considering all for himself. Vader still asked about his wish regardless of being a Sith Lord.

I've gained a moral support though, and it sure is helpful. None I can say rather than a thank you.

Dreamless...I guess it would actually be my debut.

Dreams and Conflicting Outcomes

2005-05-22T03:11:00.000+10:00

I am wondering, lately I've been having weird, bizzare dreams mostly although some are just visions on how things might've been. First, it's the non-weird one where I turned my back and said "I don't want happiness" as I stated a few months ago. I guess that words haunted me until now...or it was just a dream. Next one is the situation where I rejected Utopia, and then having a dream about a socialistic world, and last but not least, game world. Never knew what caused them, maybe it's just a coincidence or maybe it's because of my sleeping hours which has went from bad to worse. Imagine sleeping at 10AM, where people said "Mornin' mate". I think I will sleep long hours after all these assignments are done.

What a conflicting path for two of my subjects. Document Markup Language or Web Page Construction to be sacrificed? In the end I saved the latter, gaining 99 per cent High Distinction on assignment. Unfortunately I am falling in the former, currently late in the deadline with 60% points currently at hand. I know I survived these two but it seems quite disappointing...I have to look again at the mirror. Mine was at fault.

The final week of this semester is fast approaching. Three assignments left, one extremely vital for me since I must do really good to ensure my path. This time I will give my all, without a single doubt.

Song of the week: is this LOVE? - Ayumi Hamasaki...well it's merely a song and doesn't reflect me in general, since I'm still wavering between yes and no.

Going Forward, for a Reason?

2005-05-14T23:24:00.000+10:00

I guess my body is weakening, so unfortunate within this desperate moments.

Still lingering by the fear of failure, wanting to continue on with more strength but unfortunately my pyshical strength just can't cooperate. I woke up in the afternoon almost everyday, despite constant efforts my alarm has done. Time is once again running short, and now I have to go on and overcome my weakness. Maybe I would try drastic attempts to force me to go on. I have nothing to lose except for that one.

Watched Ghibli's Tonari no Totoro, been a long time since I last watched it. More than ten years have passed but the movie is still fascinating. It's fun watching with my friends, and I might watch Mononoke again with them after these assignments are finished.

Somehow this week I feel so paranoid about the future. Will I succeed, will I be able to say, will I be able to prove myself, those questions kept on lingering. I go on however, despite my fears and my shortcomings. It would be very hard, might as well say near impossible. I can't give any reason on why I go on forth, now that I am actually the type of person that is mocked by the old me, can't give a reasoning and logic behind my actions. Whether I'll found the answers or not though, the storyline will go on until I found it perfectly impossible, for I am willing to change for the sake of it.

Aftermath of a losing battle

2005-05-07T23:38:00.000+10:00

Current song is Confidence (R.O.D the TV 2nd ending song)

That's it, luck can't drag me forever through this losing battle. Eventually I stand defeated, and I have to struggle completely in two weeks, with five remaining assignments. There is a possibility that I might fail though, prolonging my stay and ultimately destroy me in entirety. I've come a long way to be cut short, and I might fall into unknown depths. My stay here is to ensure that I can prove myself, not failing. I can't fail those who have encouraged me, my family, siblings, and relatives, proving my worth to myself, and for a personal cause.

Submission in this case however, is strictly prohibited. I shall fight to the end, and I will go as far as putting my life at stake to accomplish my goal, and my dream. I feel that I have yet to unleash everything, despite all the sleepless nights, numerous tea cups, and health sacrifices. I might not return in full glory, but I have to return, no matter what! All my efforts have not been in vain, and my future efforts would neither.

I'm going to talk about myself a bit now, my single life which has been going for three months. It's certainly different from before, and while in a state I feel more free, there are also times where I feel lonely. Sometimes being jealous of others, sometimes feeling the comfort of being a free single fighter. I am still content of my status as of the moment though, and I might still be content for the remainder of my stay here. Well...I might change my words but as of now, might as well stay in the position of my past, watching and wondering from afar....

Dreamer's struggle

2005-05-01T23:03:00.000+10:00

I wonder whether the dream of past year can again be upon me....

Ruined Tower (Chrono Cross soundtrack) humming in my ears, probably foreseeing my ruined future.

The week after two struggles marked another two struggles. Being here is very hard, and I need to do better and better. I can see that half of the semester is quite a disaster and I can barely do anything about it. The second part must not be the same! I will go forth with a different mindset, because if I fail here then I can't prove myself worthy of appreciation, acceptance, and a personal wish of mine (which will remain unseen as of now) to prove my worth to someone.

Bad luck in Document Markup Language...in the final minutes, my computer suddenly slowed down and costed me 15 minutes...I sent the files late and 10% penalty is underway. Hopefully I can get 10-12 points though, just to ensure my first safety. In Scripting Languages however, I might use the most of late times since I am now still desperately struggling...my first individual programming since the first semester, mostly I am not in the part of programming in groups. I might even be ecstatic if I can pass with 60% and God knows what I'll do.

Might as well support myself with a quote: "It's difficult, but it can be done." I'll never forfreit again, and I shall prove myself.

Breaking the Limits

2005-04-23T23:06:00.000+10:00

This week is purely an insane effort of surviving.

I know that I am insanely depressed, my fear of failure creeping in the background and I am struggling to stay on track. With my limited understanding and knowledge, everything seemed impossible. It happened again though, massive determination and sacrifices to keep on going and to finish my assignments. So many times ending up sleeping just before the sun rises, dealing with massive headaches and migraines without medications in order to stay awake, and my body seemed to reach the limit every single day. In the end, I finally managed to finish my assignments with the exchange of my health. It seemed quite fair to me.

It's been a week since I read Purpose Driven Life, and I have been struck down a lot of times from reading the book. My mistakes seemed to be abundant in this very life I'm living. Thank you though, for giving me the chance to read. God and you, both working for the same goal.

Well...I have yet to read the books and watch the DVDs...struggling again and again, and I am pretty sure next week would be the same story. I hope I can survive again, pushing my body and luck to the limit.

Read or Die

2005-04-16T23:40:00.000+10:00

Dancing mad (FFVI soundtrack) kept on humming in my mind.

Title is taken from the anime Read or Die, which I am following right now. Reflects my situation somehow, since I am struggling with my assignments and I have to read all notes, books, and information if I want to really survive. The books I have ordered have come, six in total. It seems I have returned to the reader way, although not as obsessed as Yomiko Readman.

Recently I had dreams about "alternate outcomes" on what might happen if some things in the past went differently from my interpretation. One regarding family, or I mean "family" and the other on personal situation. Quite weird, since this happened rarely and mostly I forget dreams easily.

I am not feeling quite well in mind lately...doing assignments constantly but failing short everytime, I am doing it again and again but I can't reach the solution, getting more and more depressed, selfdestructing with every breath taken it seems. People helped, but I can't seem to understand what they're doing to guide me...my deepest apologies. It seems that I am helpless and no support can aid me either...I'm falling into desperation again.

My solitary journey...must it end? Must I return, in other form?

A call from the past

2005-04-09T22:51:00.000+10:00

It seemed quite strange when my past kept on returning to me these past two months. Solitary, mindset, patterns, and now my interest in reading - a good thing finally - came to me. It's been a while since I read books with interest, and I joined the Doubleday book club to buy several books. Hopefully those are good ones.

In the end, I did not buy The Dark Tower books (read previous entry on this). I did not buy Grave of the Fireflies, either. What I finally end up with is the Studio Ghibli movie collection containing seven movies, one of those is Grave of the Fireflies. I have just watched Princess Mononoke though and I did not feel that I am at a loss for buying the DVD despite the cost.

Recently I'm getting wary on my complacency and tardiness. This bout of laziness kept on hitting me again and again, and this must be stopped. I'm here for survival, so I hope I can quickly overcome this and get real serious again just like that time when I am very determined.

It is quite pathetic of me though to fulfill the one week one post policy when I have very little to say. Wondering when will I be able to break from the pattern....

Beginning of Dreams and Illusion

2005-04-03T01:31:00.000+10:00

April has come again, for the twenty-first time in my life. The month where I look back time and time again, the month where dreams prosper and illusion become "reality". If December is the month that destroyed me, April is the time for a new start. This year though, is quite different from other years. This is the year where I have willingly chosen to remain in solitude, where happiness is no longer something to be wished for, and my emotions have been self-manipulated to support those. Some may say it is a denial, but what do you follow if you have blinded yourself? What will you follow in that sightless journey? Surely I chose what I believed in, what I had seen, and the truth that had been given to me. I am now a different dreamer, for reality had struck me painfully with its venomous sword.

It seems that I have awfully neglected my health, to the point that my body seems to be quite damaged while being mentally content. Another part of the past have returned yet again, from this event. But who am I to care? Health has never been a first priority, since the main obsession of mine was not it, but a wish for death and destruction that I would conjure, either physically, mentally, or both. It seems funny to say this again (since last year I have said this), nothing can stop me and at this moment, my statement is absolute with me leaning more and more to that path. At this state, I am willing to sacrifice everything for that gain.

Lately I felt that I want to read books again. It is something I liked to do back then, but somehow I want to find lots of books and read all of them. I want to join a book club or such in here, so it might help. What's quite confusing though is a decision I need to make. Yesterday I found a DVD that I have been searching for a long time, "Grave of the Fireflies/Hotaru no Haka" and a set of "The Dark Tower". Price of the books are 3/4 of the DVD, but there is only one DVD left...decisions, decisions.

Well...I'm considering opening this storyline to public, but there is no addition in layout whatsoever and I don't have the time and desire to change the layout...so I might reconsider opening it or I shall just open it. One way or another, it wouldn't change anything....

The distant reunions

2005-03-26T23:52:00.000+11:00

Reunions...they would occur when you meet someone you have not seen for some time. I did not met them though, but through one of the "worlds" that I live in, reunions can indeed happen without physical contact. One of them is an old friend, we have yet to make any contact for years, the other person isn't quite as distant in terms of time but she's an important person to me. It's quite coincidental though, being online at the exact time. Quite interesting talking about lots and lots of things, on important matters, on storylines, and lots more. I wish there would be more "reunions"

Holy week, and we went to church several times. It's quite different though not being at the usual place. The usual "patterns", the friends there, the feel, and seeing people, and some others I have known through risky "introductories". Kinda missed the situation there, where I found out a lot of things about myself and others. I'll return on advent times though...hopefully they would still remember me.

This break surely rejuvenate me, although somehow I felt tired sometimes. Next week onwards would be more difficult...hopefully I can still persevere, because fortunately my spirit and determination are on the rise.

Reason

2005-03-19T23:24:00.000+11:00

The soundtrack of today? The Fierce Battle (FFVI soundtrack)

Watched Hitch this Tuesday, and it was a good movie. Well...if you have someone to love I guess, it's just quite depressing when you can only laugh bitterly after the movie is over. I then realized something that may be the reason for my downfall. I am a person who wants everything to have a reason. It is irritating to know something happened without a reason. Unreasonable things bugged me, how foolish I have been. Some things don't have reasons at all, one unreasonable happening changed me to be better, but a reason has destroyed me from inside out.

The first few days of this week was quite normal, but beginning from Thursday morning (2AM) until Friday morning (5.30AM) have me going all out, losing rest for one main goal. I'm pretty much amazed by myself, unable to do anything just a few months back and now I can do this assignment with all my heart and soul and I did not give in a single bit, thanks also to my friends aiding me and encouraging me with their prayers and words so that I can finish it completely, although the result was pretty much basic and simple.

The days after that? I was pretty much exhausted mind and body, unable to do much and frankly, I am pretty much having difficulties writing this entry. I may change my "personal policy" to really step forward in terms of my mindset. Funny seeing on how my style seemed to return to the past, in the form of hair. Some would know what I meant by that. Would continue on until I find something else.

There has been a lot of errors, typos, and grammatical errors in this overall storyline since week one. Is my English dwindling? Is it my fluctuating mind? I may never know, and I might or might not correct them. How I sometimes love imperfection, for I am one very imperfect soul.

New experiences can occur everyday, and this week is no exception. Going quite far via train, joking with "magic sticks", knowing that my notebook has a hidden mic in it, and surprisingly my efforts, made everything seemed interesting.

I know this seemed weird, but somehow I just felt indifferent while reading the storyline of my past. Memories only came in text, and I can hardly draw those scenes in mind. Have I become frozen in the flow of time?

I "see" better than I feel

2005-03-13T23:21:00.000+11:00

Such weird topic, is it not?

Somehow one thing I realized just recently, is that my feelings have almost always guided me to a false conclusion. Usually I feel first, and then I "see" in the course of time on almost every event that I have been into. After a little chat with my online friend, I can draw a string linking those two. The problem is that my feeling has always been "forced" to reassure everything is okay and it is just a bad feeling, perhaps a sign of numbness. However, my "sight" can somehow pierce through barriers of reassurance, masks, and "normal" situations. I can recall two major events and I somehow "saw" something, although I may be mistaken on this last "sight".

Imagine being erased from memory of others, how do you feel? I wouldn't know what to do if that happens to me, but somehow I can "see" it. My feelings reassured me that such thing did not and would not happen though. In both cases, I am completely content as of late so it might not be a matter to me.

Slam Shuffle is the soundtrack of the day I was supposed to give this storyline, however Internet was not nice to me so I gave up.

Can't watch Australian GP because of the lack of fund, but at last the rations have arrived. Nice having the struggle ended. Yesterday was Moomba day at Melbourne, I didn't come in the afternoon because of my fatigue and lack of sleep. I almost considered headache pills, but in the end I went for milk. Just like a baby, someone said to me...I came at night, playing games, winning dolls but because I don't like dolls, I gave them to my friend. Most notable was the fireworks display though, fifteen minutes of beauty in the night sky, covering the absence of stars and the shy luna.

Flowers of flame, how nice of you, having accompanied the solitary one all the time.

The wounds that shan't be healed - 28 days after

2005-03-05T22:36:00.000+11:00

Quite different though with the situation on the "ten-day storyline" but I guess it is a fitting theme. It was massive wound back then but in time I have known. People have tried to heal the wounds, but it just wouldn't heal and eventually the woulds became more painful because of another new scar. It is actually myself who is at fault for actually considering that it might be healed. None other is at fault, they tried their best without knowing.

Looking to other matters, somehow my budget is now nearing its end with the possible delay in additional funds. I wonder how come my account number is written wrongly - and maybe twice - that made me fear that the money goes into the wrong hands. Weird things happen...and this is very unfortunate.

Somehow, I feel that I am avoiding people - especially new one - for some reason people deemed as funny. I avoid people to avoid happiness, which could lead to pain. I am not avoiding the pain itself, but my paranoia considers avoiding the link to pain - which might appear absurd - and that is the exact opposite of pain itself. What would you think of that anyway if you see this?

It's been a month already since that incident, and somehow I've known what made everything went like this. Well, after seeing a miracle is indeed impossible, I would go on forward. I will not look back anymore, and memories shall remain just that. The requiem has made an impenetrable barrier between us, which shall never again become as before.

This kind of calmness

2005-02-26T23:11:00.000+11:00

Well, after a while my emotions calmed. From having everything at once - disbelief, shock, hurt, and lots more - into almost none. I've become a calmer person now, and more into the thinking person - what I once was - but this calm feeling seemed so...different. Yes, I returned to that previous me. One with the multiple masks - mind you inbetween present and that me I only wear appropriate masks, usually one of a time. - Seemed funny on how my entries are also on a weekly basis, I did that once when that old storyline commenced - the one with camouflages everywhere while the real story is always about a single person and my views regarding one or both of us.

Well, the semester starts in this new environment and somehow I can avoid being drawn into the dream world. Is it a change or is it just a fluke? Only time will tell. Right now the only thing matters is a clash of course and what is it to be done to remedy it. We three are now seeking for a new choice.

Isn't it interesting on how you find words that is soft and lenient enough for you seemed to be harsh and arrogant for other people? What I were saying is indeed true and it came from within the heart. Would you be happier to see a honest person or a suck-up? I hate the latter obviously and I would never want to sink that low.

Recollection to days past

2005-02-19T23:05:00.000+11:00

New entry from me, moving on from the past where I was once a different person. The title of this blog actually refers to my last words from my previous storyline, an ending to a so called "life" hence the word requiem. It's been two weeks already since that fateful event that changed me yet again. It is as if I've returned to five years ago, the persona without any care of others and seeks only solitude and rejection. Feels so painful actually, and I have no idea why I kept on being in this mindset. It has been weird actually, last week I saw a curse was lifted off me where everything seemed wrong and then I keep on doing this self manipulation to remove a presence -actually part of it- out of this mind and soul, just like what you saw in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." To be honest, I hate myself for falling this low without any paths visible for a change. I am now beginning to feel that I am now hated -ironically- by one I once loved. Such a great story life is.

Moving into a new environment and country overall, there are several changes in me. What is greatly noticeable is my degrading health, since I basically am unable to adept quickly to changes. It is also quite surptising here where a day seemed to be comprised of multiple weathers. Melbourne, Victoria is an interesting place with such traits.

Today I went to a roadshow about F-1. In a few weeks time, Melbourne will host the opening Grand Prix in Albert Park so a roadshow was opened. It's really interesting there with free food, posters, stickers, and the entertainment. Me and my friends tried doing a "pitstop" action to change tires of an F-1 car, and the people there said that my effort was not bad. My picture in front of a Ferrari car might appear in the vodafone website they said. Quite anxious to see it.

To conclude this initial storyline, I would like to say that I might have changed...for worse.